shiver
by Heather McFey
Summary: TM, an anniversary doesnt end quite as planned.
1. Chapter 1

After dinner they walked along the beach. It was a typical California night, clear and warm. She smiled as the breeze danced around her shoulders. They sat down near some trees and he presented her with a small box wrapped elegantly with a single gold bow. She smiled at him and took it.

She grinned at him as she tore off the wrapping paper, she had never been one to shake it or try to preserve the paper. Inside was a charm bracelet. Michelle smiled, it was lovely but not something she would ever pick out for herself. But Bill had gone to all this effort so she grinned at him as she put it on.

"What's this in aid of?" She asked staring at the bracelet on her arm. It looked garish next to the rest of her simple jewellery.

"You forgot." He said quietly, his voice reflected his disappointment but not he did not sound surprised. She looked up at him, wracking her brains for possibilities.

"Our three month." She almost whispered. Yes, it had completely slipped her mind. Guilt overcame her as she looked from the bracelet on her arm back up at his face.

"I'm so sorry," she gushed, "I guess I've been so distracted by work I just…"

"Forgot." He finished for her. She looked him dead in the eye.

"Didn't remember." She offered instead. His face softened at that.

"Do you like it?" he asked her.

"It's perfect." She lied, another pang of guilt forming in her chest. "I'm so sorry"

"Its fine." He said slipping his arm around her, "Really, it doesn't matter."

"No it does Bill, I just…"

"Michelle" he interrupted her, "I don't mind. Honestly." He smiled at her though his eyes did not reflect the smile.

"Maybe you should." She said before she could stop herself. He looked at her sharply.

"What do you mean?" he asked, confusion spreading across his features.

"Maybe you should mind." She repeated and before she could prevent it month's worth of frustration started to pour out of her. "I forgot Bill, I completely forgot. And you did all this for me, you planned it all and I couldn't even remember one stupid little anniversary! Aren't you even a little bit angry? Do you ever get angry? Do you ever get anything except calm?"

Her outburst hung there for what seemed like an eternity. She couldn't take it back. She hadn't really meant what she said, if she was honest she liked that Bill was calm and collected, it made a difference from her relationship with Tony. That was fire and passion and pain. If she was very honest, it wasn't Bill she should be directing this anger at, at all. Rather she should have been shouting at her alcoholic, newly ex husband. Bill was staring out into the ocean, he looked hurt. She sighed.

"I'm sorry Bill, I didn't mean that."

He turned to her and smiled a sad smile. "I'm never going to be who you want me to be, am I?" It was a statement more than a question. Michelle felt her heart sink. She started to say something but he cut her off.

"I'm never going to be him Michelle. It's not in my nature. I'm not irrational, I don't go against protocol to help out a rogue agent or risk the country's safety for…" He stopped at that. "If you want me to be him… I can't do that for you."

She felt tears streaming down her face. Half of her wanted to hit him and the other half felt guilty.

"I don't," she almost whispered, "It's just hard for me sometimes."

He smiled at that. "Michelle, I think the world of you. You know that. More than anything, I want you to be happy," he turned to her, "I want to make you happy. And I know this isn't easy, it's not for me either, but I want to make it work."

"I do too," She agreed quietly.

"And I know that it may take time, but I'm willing to give you as long as you need. Until whenever you're ready to give me your heart." He said genuinely.

It was something in those last words that hit Michelle like a ten ton truck. All of a sudden everything became clear to her. She'd been running, running from the truth, running from her feelings, running from _him_. At that minute she realised that it was time to stop running. She turned to face Bill, the tears still falling, and smiled.

"It's not mine to give." She said simply. She had given her heart away along time ago. It belonged to the man with the eyes as deep as the ocean, with the smile that made her melt and the touch that made her shiver. Bill nodded at that.

"It's still enough for me." He said after a moment, although his voice suggested otherwise.

"It's not for me." She replied.

"I know." He sighed, running his hands through his hair. "I've always known."

He stood up then and smoothed down his trousers.

"Would you like a lift?" he asked and she shook her head.

"No. Thank you" She said sincerely. He simply nodded and leaned down to kiss the top of her head before walking back up the beach towards his car.

Michelle sat for a few moments more before getting up and walking out to the road. She hailed a taxi that took her to North Hollywood. That took her to _him_. The man with the eyes as deep as the ocean, with the smile that made her melt and the touch that made her shiver.


	2. Chapter 2

_I had no intention of writing any more of this story at all but your lovely reviews imspired me! I hope it doesnt suck too much. I know it's taken a while to get the next chapter up but I think I have the plot sorted in my head now so the next one shouldnt be too far away. Hope you enjoy it!_

_Oh and I don't own anyone in this story... What i would give to own tony for a little while though! hehe!_

The car turned into the driveway, headlights blinding her momentarily. She stood up slowly, legs shaking ever so slightly. When she had arrived at the house, about fifteen minutes earlier, it had been in darkness. She had decided to wait half an hour and if he hadn't come back she would leave, though she was pretty sure that if the car hadn't pulled up at that exact moment she would have bailed right then. Michelle could not remember that last time she was this nervous. She had rehearsed what she wanted to say in the taxi a few times and then again whilst she sat on the front step. It was something along the lines of "I'm sorry. I love you. I miss you. Please come home to me." She smoothed down her skirt and took a step forward, shivering against the cool breeze.

As the headlights were turned off she blinked a few times as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. When she could once again see properly she found herself staring directly at her ex husband. His expression was one of utter confusion. On any other occasion Michelle would have found it incredibly endearing but her attention was attracted to movement in the passenger seat. A young woman sat there, she was talking at Tony and looking wildly from him to Michelle. Tony remained silent.

After a few minutes, during which Tony presumably collected himself, the driver door opened and Tony got out. He walked round the front of the car to where Michelle stood and stopped. He was followed shortly by the passenger, a young brunette who did not look particularly happy. Michelle looked at Tony's face and suddenly had no idea what to say. She could only imagine what he must be thinking at that moment. The young woman looked from Tony to Michelle and back again, it was clear that she too was very confused. After a moment he finally broke the silence.

"Michelle." It wasn't much but it was a start. Michelle took a deep breath and opened her mouth but was beaten to it by the brunette.

"Michelle?" She looked furiously at Tony, "As in your ex Michelle?"

He turned to her with a look that suggested his patience was wearing thin.

"Jen could you give us a minute?" The irritation in his voice was evident.

"Why is she here? What's going on?" She had fire in her eyes as she squared up to him.

"Jen. A minute please!" His voice was raised now and Jen had obviously been subjected to this before, she sighed and pushed past him, deliberately bumping into Michelle as she made her way to the front door.

"Whatever." She said as she opened the door to the darkened house and slammed it after her. Tony stood for a moment staring at the door before he turned back to face Michelle.

She knew she should speak but no words were forming. When she had decided to come here she knew it wouldn't be simple. She had no expectation of finding Tony here waiting for her to come back to him. She had hoped that he had moved forward in his life but she certainly hadn't expected him to have shacked up with someone else. And what stung most of all was that he was also quite clearly sober. She knew she should be happy that he had gotten his life back on track but it hurt her to know that he had accomplished it without her. He had given up drinking for this Jen when he couldn't do it for Michelle. Tony spoked, interrupting her thoughts.

"Is something wrong?" He asked. She couldn't read his voice and his face was blank.

"I…" She began but then couldn't continue. "Uh, I… I can't… I shouldn't be here." And with that she turned and began to walk up the driveway towards the road. She hated herself for doing this. She was a strong woman, she never shied away from anything and yet here she was running from him. He started after her.

"Michelle." Why did he always say her name like that? A whisper and a question all at the same time. He grabbed her arm and turned her toward him.

She dared to look into his eyes now and for a split second she saw _him_. Her Tony. He paused briefly before speaking again.

"At least let me give you a lift home." He said simply.

She nodded absently and allowed him to lead her to the car.


	3. Chapter 3

_The usual stuff applies, I don't own any of the characters but if I did this is what would have happened! Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews and i hope you like this part! Only one more chapter to go..._

* * *

She didn't recognise the car. It must have been bought following their divorce. He turned the key in the ignition and the radio blared out. The presenter was reviewing the Cubs game from earlier that day.

"They won." Tony said matter-of-factly. Michelle nodded in his direction but avoided his eyes.

"Yeah, I saw the end of it." She replied. This seemed to make him uncomfortable and he turned his attention back to the road. She followed suit, staring at a point directly in front of her.

"You still live up by thirty third?" he asked, as he backed the car out of the driveway. Michelle nodded and stole a glance at Tony. He looked tired, she noted. He was wearing a grey shirt and black shoes. She absently wondered if he had a job now ashis casual attire was always a t-shirt and jeans. It suddenly struck her that this might have changed. Just because _he_ had always worn jeans religiously didn't mean that this new Tony did. This was a realisation that hurt her more than she cared to admit.

The rest of the journey was passed in silence. It was awkward and uncomfortable but neither seemed to be willing to say anything so they just stared at the road.

* * *

After what Michelle was sure must have been the longest car ride in history, they arrived at her house. She sat for a moment unsure of what to do before turning to look at him. His eyes were staring at an imaginary point on the dashboard. She sighed.

"Thank you," She managed to say. "for the ride."

He looked up at her and she smiled slightly before reaching for the handle and opening the door. She paused, knowing something had to be said but she couldn't think of anything appropriate and so she just exited the car. She glanced back briefly, Tony's face was a picture of confusion and he was still staring at that same point. She started up the path to her house and had almost reached the door when he called her name. She was torn, the coward in her wanted to run inside and lock the door against him but instead she forced herself to stop and turn around. He was just a few steps away now and she knew that there was no way to escape.

"Michelle, are ya gonna to tell me what you were doing at my house?" he was staring straight at her and it was incredibly unnerving.

"I just… I don't know Tony. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come." She could have kicked herself for being such a jabbering idiot. "I just wanted to… talk."

"About what?" he asked. His voice was softer now, less aggressive.

"Us." She said simply. There was no sense in lying, he would know anyway.

He rubbed the skin at the side of his face, it was a familiar action and she found it comforting. She went to continue but was interrupted by his cell phone. He sighed and looked up at her apologetically before taking the phone out. He glanced at the caller I.D and answered.

"Jen." He answered and walked away so that Michelle couldn't make out what he was saying. She stood there helplessly. His voice began to raise now and from his half of the conversation she guessed Jen was not happy.

"Jen…no, I'll be back later…I don't know when… Jen! Please! We'll talk later." At this he slammed the phone shut and sighed loudly before turning back to Michelle.

"How long have you been with her?" She asked, although she really had no desire to learn anything about Tony's relationship with Jen. The woman who had replaced her.

"Not long." His answer was vague and she was glad of it. His eyes were boring a hole in her head now but she could not find the strength to look up and meet them.

"Well, I should go in." She said offering a small smile and silently praying he wouldn't let her go. Her prayer was answered.

"Are you just going to walk away from this?" he sounded irritated.

"From what?" She heard herself say, though she wasn't sure why.

"We haven't spoken for months Michelle! Then you turn up at my house with no explanation and just leave as if it's perfectly normal."

"Well what do you want me to say?" She could hear her voice rising, "I'm very sorry for ruining your evening with Jen!" She spat that last word.

"What did you expect Michelle?" his voice was raised now too, "Did you think that I would just sit around moping forever? You left me remember? _You_ walked away. How is it that you're pissed at _me_?"

"I couldn't stay. I didn't even know you anymore." She was shouting too now. The voice inside her was telling her to calm down, to take a deep breath. She ignored it. "All you did was drink and watch TV! You disappeared for days on end with no word. I could have been on fire and you wouldn't even have noticed! All you were interested in was your precious beer. So I let you have it!"

"Well I'm sorry things weren't rosy for you Michelle, but in case you forget I had just gotten out of prison." She could see the anger in his eyes but it only served to fuel hers.

"Don't you think I know that?" She spat at him, "There isn't a day goes by I don't wish I could change what happened. Wish you'd just let me die and then none of this mess would have happened!" She paused taking a deep breath before continuing. "I know it's my fault Tony and I tried to make it better, I just… I didn't know how." She looked into his eyes now. "So I did the only thing I could. I left. And I'm sorry, ok!" She bit her lip in an attempt to prevent the tears that threatened to fall.

She was vaguely aware that he had stepped closer to her.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. Then he was there and she was in his arms and he was kissing her. And it was fire and it was passion and it sent shivers down her spine. And it was Tony.


	4. Chapter 4

_Well I made it, this is the final chapter! Thank you to everyone who stuck it out with me, this was my first piece of fanfic and I really appreciate all your lovely reviews. _

_Usual stuff applies, I own nothing but what I wouldnt give to own Carlos!_

* * *

The kiss was hungry and desperate. She couldn't form thoughts, didn't try, she just lost herself in the moment. When it finally broke she leaned into his chest and felt his arms around her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered again, "I'm so, so sorry."

He took a step back and for a moment Michelle was convinced he was going to walk away. She didn't know what she would do if that happened. Instead he tilted her face up towards his own and looked her in the eye.

"Sweetheart, it's _not_ your fault." He kissed her forehead, and action which brought more comfort than he could ever know. "I did what I did. And I'd do it again tomorrow if I had to. I _never_ blamed you. Not for a second. You are the only thing that kept me going."

"Then why? Why did you drink? You ignored me, I thought..." she paused, unsure if she should say it. But she had to know. "I thought you hated me."

She watched a wave of pain cross Tony's face.

"No," he said certainly "Never. Not even for a second. I couldn't if I tried!"

He took her face in his hands and gently pushed back a strand of hair.

"But then…" she began to say but was interrupted by him.

"What use was I to you? I'm a traitor, I couldn't get a job, I gave everything to my country and I'm treated like a criminal." His eyes had wondered off into the distance but he must have realised it because he brought them back to her. "I just didn't know how to handle it."

"And now?" she asked hopefully.

He gave her a small lopsided smile. "I'm learning." She smiled at that.

"Tony," he had been honest with her, now it was her turn. "I miss you."

"Me too sweetheart." He pulled into a hug.

"And I really miss your cooking." She said stroking his chest. He laughed and pulled her into another kiss. This one was slow and tender.

"So," she ventured, breaking away from him albeit reluctantly, "does this mean we're… together again?"

He gave her his trademark smile and bit his lip.

"Ya think!"

She was grinning so hard that she was sure her cheeks would burst but she couldn't stop. It seemed to be infectious because Tony was beaming back at her. Suddenly a thought crossed her mind and she started laughing.

Tony looked at her curiously, "What?" he asked.

"It's just…" she smiled up at him, "I'm really glad that we're not in some dark corridor of CTU right now." It seemed that every major landmark in their relationship had taken place in the middle of some national crisis.

"Yeah, let's try and steer clear of the impending doom."

"Deal." She grinned at him.

"Hey," he said rubbing her arms up and down, "You're shivering. Are you cold?"

"No," she looked up at him, "It's you."

He looked at her curiously before taking her hand and leading her towards the house.

"_It's always you."_ She thought and followed him inside.

_**

* * *

finis!**_


End file.
